I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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