Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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