Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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