I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
