there's paper in my vomit.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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