Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
