I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
