did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
