I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
