I wish my penis had an off switch
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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