no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
