A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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