hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize