He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
