After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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