So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
