Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
