PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
