toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize