i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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