So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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