I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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