I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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