my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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