i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
