I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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