I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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