my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
