UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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