The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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