butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
