So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
