i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
