i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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