moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
