ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
