Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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