so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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