Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
