that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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