I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
