mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
