Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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