Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
