i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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