I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
