Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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