well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize