I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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