The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
