Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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