Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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