The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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