I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
