Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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