i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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