There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
