that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
