so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
