someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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