it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize