his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You're breaking my sexual little heart
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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