i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Come on in and take your pants off
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