just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
